103. The courage to be disliked
A hard-hitting philosophy presented in a tangible way.
Ichiro Kishimi attempts to make Adler's theories popular in a story between an inquisitive student and a philosopher. Upon reading it I was struck by how much I felt my life views were challenged; ideas on inferiority and superiority complexes, identity, and dealing with trauma.
It’s so hard to rank this book as there were lots I agreed with but the stuff I also disagreed with.
Saying that it is a must-read for any who are fans of stoicism, psychology, and learning new perspectives.
Here are some quotes I liked and the takeaways I got from them (the original text in bold, my words in italics):
The world is simple and life is simple too’ — if there is anything in this thesis that might contain truth, it would be life from a child’s point of view.
We sometimes like to complicate things — which can connect to Jesus’ teachings of childlike faith.
None of us live in an objective world, but instead in a subjective world that we ourselves have given meaning to.
Dogma and ‘my way or the highway’ mentality often enter the world. We need to listen and understand each other because of our subjectivity.
But why does everyone feel they want to change? There’s only one answer: because they cannot change. If it were easy for people to change, they wouldn’t spend so much time wishing they could.
Very true. People talk the talk rather than walking the walk. Social media perpetuates this idea to be a certain person, be a certain way, change into something particular. Do it or don’t — but just don’t be undecided.
But Adler, in denial of the trauma argument, states the following: ‘No experience is in itself a cause of our success or failure. We do not suffer from the shock of our experiences — the so-called trauma — but instead, we make out of them whatever suits our purposes.
Adler has a philosophy that we cannot blame our subjective thoughts (the effect) on objective truth (the action). We possess the power to deduce what we get from a situation. Links a lot to Stoic philosophy- you don’t choose the situation you are in but you can choose your response no matter how tough it is.
I am not denying that emotion exists. Everyone has emotions. That goes without saying. But if you are going to tell me that people are beings who can’t resist emotion, I’d argue against that.
Very interesting idea. Do we have a society too focussed on emotion… the simple focus on it potentially is what encourages the overwhelm. The privilege to overthink. Increased mental health issues in more developed countries and more modern societies.
The Greek word for ‘good’ (agathon) does not have a moral meaning. It just means ‘beneficial’. Conversely, the word for ‘evil’ (kakon) means ‘not beneficial’. Our world is rife with injustices and misdeeds of all kinds, yet there is not one person who desires evil in the purest sense of the word; that is to say something ‘not beneficial’.
Challenge the notion of there being good and evil people in this world. Even the worst person would believe their actions beneficial. The challenge for me then is to meet people where they are at in their judgements of the world and conversely share what I view as beneficial and not.
What you should do now is make a decision to stop your current lifestyle. For instance, earlier you said, ‘If only I could be someone like Y, I’d be happy.’ As long as you live that way, in the realm of the possibility of ‘if only such and such were the case’, you will never be able to change. Because saying ‘if only I could be like Y’ is an excuse to yourself for not changing.
It is often easier to make obstacles and excuses as to why we don’t achieve things as alleviates the risk of failure. If you don’t try you can’t fail. In the process, we can’t talk about what we doing as we aren’t there yet. We overcomplicate and overthink. We must identify as who we want to be, have courage, and take action- not looking around and meandering.
You notice only your shortcomings because you’ve resolved to not start liking yourself.
Links to social media usage. We resolve to look to others as better and resolve that they be superior…. ‘comparison is the thief of joy’. Just take action and love yourself in the process.
Oh, but being alone isn’t what makes you feel lonely. Loneliness is having other people and society and community around you, and having a deep sense of being excluded from them.
Perception is everything; it’s not the objective truth that makes you feel lonely or not lonely. As long as you know you are doing what you can do to satisfy your cravings for interactions you are fine. People have different scales. I don’t feel as much of a need for interactions but I don’t want to feel excluded. Seek inclusion where possible.
As Adler goes so far as to assert, ‘All problems are interpersonal relationship problems.’
Boom, Adler is a savage. Made me think of Bob Marley’s ‘no woman no cry’. People are the cause of all problems but they bring joy too and are needed.
This is what is so terrifying about competition. Even if you’re not a loser, even if you’re someone who keeps on winning, if you are someone who has placed himself in competition, you will never have a moment’s peace. You don’t want to be a loser. And you always have to keep on winning if you don’t want to be a loser. You can’t trust other people.
I don’t necessarily agree fully with this. I love the neverending desire to want to improve and get better, I do trust people, but I’m not necessarily at peace. Maybe being less competitive is the answer.
The moment one is convinced that ‘I am right’ in an interpersonal relationship, one has already stepped into a power struggle.
Reminded me of the book ‘how to win friends and influence people’- No one wins in an argument. You lose the friend or lose the debate. A challenge for me to get into fewer debates and/or to love people more through them.
When one can think, Whenever I am with this person, I can behave very freely, one can really feel love. One can be in a calm and quite natural state, without having feelings of inferiority or being beset with the need to flaunt one’s superiority. That is what real love is like.
Powerful message as from this I can recognise I cannot truly be myself to everyone (a thing I often try and do). But this alleviates the stress and looks to be calm and natural in a few beautiful relationships.
all interpersonal relationship troubles are caused by intruding on other people’s tasks, or having one’s own tasks intruded on. Carrying out the separation of tasks is enough to change one’s interpersonal relationships dramatically.
Challenge to parenting and education- similarly for friends and family. I can’t change them but rather be loving to them and display my lifestyle choices.
‘freedom is being disliked by other people’.
Interesting when we see echo chambers of people these days with the same views. Are we truly being ourselves or are we scared to be disliked? Is courage something natural or do we have to curate it? I hope I have the ability to be free.
Being praised essentially means that one is receiving judgement from another person as ‘good’. And the measure of what is good or bad about that act is that person’s yardstick. If receiving praise is what one is after, one will have no choice but to adapt to that person’s yardstick and put the brakes on one’s own freedom. ‘Thank you’, on the other hand, rather than being judgement, is a clear expression of gratitude. When one hears words of gratitude, one knows that one has made a contribution to another person.
I am not sure about this idea. I think to the love languages and words of affirmation… are all these simply judgements? I myself don’t appreciate praise so much but rather in the actions and I do relate to the fact I like being thanked. Maybe we all simply want to make a difference.
When one is sad, one should be sad to one’s heart’s content. It is precisely when one tries to escape the pain and sadness that one gets stuck and ceases to be able to build deep relationships with anyone.
Made me think of the quote: ‘No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it’s not the same river and he’s not the same man’. — Heraclitus. We need to be able to utilise bad situations for good. It is in the lack of acceptance that we fail to move forward.
Labour is not a means of earning money. It is through labour that one makes contributions to others and commits to one’s community, and that one truly feels ‘I am of use to someone’ and even comes to accept one’s existential worth.
Seen throughout history, in the Bible, and in philosophy. Work is good. ‘Work nourishes noble minds’- Seneca. But selfish work, work that doesn’t help people, work focussing on money- that will not fulfil.
With dance, it is the dancing itself that is the goal, and no one is concerned with arriving somewhere by doing it.
Falling in love with the process is when enables success. Love the act and you will do more, do more and you will get better, get better and you go somewhere. Just wanting to go somewhere gets you nowhere.
With philosophy, one keeps walking without end. It doesn’t matter if gods are there or not.
Philosophy is the ‘love of wisdom’- but what use is there of wisdom if it is not in tandem with action, purpose, or an overarching goal. Here lies my issue with philosophy alone. Together with faith, works, and purpose it levels up these other areas of life. It is simply directionless wandering on its own.