106. F*ght club and essentialism

This week I was moving house and I thought back to that famous quote by Tyler Durden,

The things you own end up owning you

I had accumulated boxes upon boxes of stuff that caused great emotional strain when moving.

Thoughts like;

“What do I do with that box of books?”

“What if I need that spare t-shirt?”

“What if I regret throwing that away?”

It wasn’t the physical labour that got to me whilst moving- but the mental.

It got me thinking about the finite nature of our brain capacity.

Whenever you say yes to something you immediately say no to something else. Completing an action, going somewhere, (or in this case) accepting something, prevents you from something else.

The issue is when you believe you can handle more than you can. The truth is everything takes a toll.

You go on the phone in the morning- your attention is owned.

You have lots of physical things- your mental focus is impaired.

You are purposeless- your intentionality is limited.

The question then is; should we own anything?

I own a lot of stuff, and I don’t think that is necessarily a bad thing, but it’s the unnecessary collection that is.

When it comes to items that you own, intentionality is key. Going back to the original quote, ‘the things that you own end up owning you’- You wouldn’t give a part of yourself away to something that doesn’t matter.

Whether it’s material goods, hanging out with someone, or decision making, we have to recognise they all have an expense.

So here’s a healthy reminder for you to check your brain budget and work out what things are essential, like me, you’ll probably find that there are a few things that can go.

105. A different territory

it’s not your rule anymore.

I’ve been to different camps, holidays, and locations, over the last few weeks and what’s hit me most is that things aren’t in my control.

I can’t eat the way I usually would.

I can’t exercise the way I usually would.

I can’t go about my routines the way I usually would.

At first, this annoyed me as I like things in my control.

Then I realised I had two options… to embrace it or reject it.

No one ever got friends by acting in a superiority complex rejecting things because they were ‘below them’.

A level of doing things you wouldn’t routinely do is needed to gain empathy, understand people, and grow in interactions.

But it’s not only that.

An uncomfortable embracing of difference is the tool needed to keep you on track in the repetition.

If all you know is one thing how can you ever know any better, how to improve or be secure in your actions.

During my holidays I worked out I really liked my routine. I like how I do things. I like how I have worked hard to curate the life I have.

I switched my perspective, I wasn’t sour about the current situation I was in but grateful for the new season of work I was going to go into.

So from this, I’m learning to ease back on my desire to control and instead recognise the tool it can be to learn and grow.

Some people can teach you and inevitably some situations can annoy you- yet there is still learning in it.

I know now I am curating love for not just the holiday but the everyday - and I think that’s something I’m proud of.

104. The courage to be happy

The follow-up to the challenging book, ‘the courage to be disliked’.

After reading the first book by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga, I immediately got the second one and tore through it.

Quick conclusion; it’s not as good as the first one. Instead of original ideas, it relies heavily on working off the success of the first book. With the occasional interesting point on the application for Alder psychology, I’m glad I read it but it is definitely not something I’d be recommending to others.

Saying that here are my favourite quotes (in bold) and reflections about them (in italics):

• With religion, philosophy and science, too, the point of departure is the same. Where do we come from? Where are we? And how should we live? Religion, philosophy and science all start from these questions. In ancient Greece, there was no division between philosophy and science, and the Latin root of the word ‘science’ is scientia, which simply means ‘knowledge’.

Sometimes I can be quick to judge thinking it’s my way or the highway. Despite differences in topics and focus- people may just want to pursue knowledge (which should be encouraged). The real sadness is if people don’t want to learn anything.

• The objective of education, in a word, is ‘self-reliance’.

I compare my love of education in my free time compared to my anger with formalised education, and as Ichiro says, it is the difference between one encouraging the development of oneself and another being reliant on a system.

• ‘Respect denotes the ability to see a person as he is; to be aware of his unique individuality.’ These are the words of the social psychologist Erich Fromm,

Being free from an agenda, bias, or judgement. Everyone will desire different things but it is the ability to love through the difference.

• Erich Fromm: ‘Respect means the concern that the other person should grow and unfold as he is.’

I sometimes want people to be a certain way, change to adopt a certain viewpoint, adapt to be like me- that is disregarding and not loving how that person provides value as to how they are. I need to learn the good in all people and not view myself as superior or have the urge to control.

• What should parents and educators do when confronted with problem behaviour in children? Adler advises that we ‘renounce the standpoint of the judge’. You have not been granted the privilege of passing down judgements. Maintaining law and order is not your job.

Judgement is the last thing to occur rather than encouraging self-reliance and contribution. Thank and be grateful for things that are liked. I agree with this but I do believe there must be a place for some level of challenging each other.

• ‘God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and wisdom always to tell the difference.’

The Serenity Prayer- this is perfect when I get too emotional and am overthinking things. I need to trust that I can’t fix everything and that ultimately it is in God’s hands.

• Try to think of life as a kind of marathon. There are rivals running beside you. As this itself may act as a stimulus and feel reassuring, it does not present any problems. However, the moment one intends to defeat that rival, the situation changes completely. The goal at the outset, which should have been completing the race or running fast, transforms into the goal of defeating that person. The rival, who should have been one’s sworn friend, turns into an enemy who must be crushed . . .

I agree with this somewhat. Sometimes there can be unnecessary enemies and that makes the marathon of life much harder. However, in different periods of life, I believe these different perspectives are helpful. A season of competition can be very helpful to attain certain achievements, and mindsets, or get you out of a rut. It is not simply competition or no competition.

• Concealed beneath the statement put forth by Adler, ‘All problems are interpersonal relationship problems,’ there lies this definition of happiness: ‘All joy is interpersonal relationship joy.’

The counter to me when I desire solitude too much. I link it to the quote- ‘no man is an island’. We need people, but must not be naive about the repercussions.

• ‘In friendship, we see with the eyes of another, listen with the ears of another and feel with the heart of another.’

I love this quote- it embodies the necessity for having empathy and understanding people and their different perspectives. That is what grows relationships.

• The ‘me’ should vanish into nothingness, if one is to find a happy life.

Selflessness perpetuates a better emotional state due to more contribution. If someone is selfish they don’t do anything for others. I’m not sure if nothingness is necessary- the difference is needed and we all are somewhat selfish but I like this idea.

• At some point, the time will come when you resolve to love someone. That will be when you achieve separation from your childhood lifestyle and achieve true self-reliance. Because it is through loving others that we at last become adults.

This is a powerful idea. I think the childhood idea is beautiful… it’s true when we are young we are loved just for being, it is all given to us, and we don’t have to be vulnerable. Having the courage to trust, to contribute, to love. That is adulthood.

• So, what does a person do when they lose the courage to embark on a relationship? They cling to fantasies of a destined one

I laughed out loud reading this. We all know of people who are desperate for relationships- they are actually very insecure and it isn’t attractive. But it is an interesting point on clinging to a fantasy. We can stop potential relationships if we are set in stone (too scared) and not willing to risk being rejected.

• As Fromm remarked, ‘Loving someone is not simply an intense emotion. It is a decision, it is a judgement, it is a promise.’

Love is a choice… I really just like this quote.

• As Fromm says, ‘Love is an act of faith, and whoever is of little faith is also of little love.’

Interesting idea. Does the need for certainties, control, and no risk prevent relationships? I think so. Enabling this trusting mindset in other areas of life potentially grows an ability for love to happen.

• That the world is simple, and life is too. But also, that ‘Keeping it simple is difficult.’

This is so true. With movements of minimalism, essentialism, and decluttering- the notion is that more is less. Society thrives on trying to get you more and with more options than ever can we really have a simple life? I think this is where having a value system, a belief, a philosophy, is so important.

• ‘Is there a time limit for a person to change?’ Adler replied, ‘Yes, there certainly is a time limit.’ And then, with a mischievous smile, he added, ‘Until the day before you meet your maker.’

This made me think about evangelism and other important ideas. People shrug it off… ‘I’ll think about it later’, the sad truth is you might not make it until ‘later’. Memento Mori- Remember you die. Death shapes life.