80. Less is more
‘When you are trying to impress people with words, the more you say, the more common you appear, and the less in control’- Robert Greene
I have always been quite a talkative guy, leading in the conversation, and unafraid to bring in some quite controversial conversations up.
But in recent years I have come to understand that isn’t always the best approach.
In certain situations, I was finding that the more I talked, the more I had the opportunity to say something foolish.
I felt the need to fill the space, break the ice, dispel the silence.
This can more often than not be insecurity in myself- can you relate?
“Oysters open completely when the moon is full; and when the crab sees one it throws a piece of stone or seaweed into it and the oyster cannot close again so that it serves the crab for meat. Such is the fate of him who opens his mouth too much and thereby puts himself at the mercy of the listener.“ - Leonardo da Vinci
Humans are machines of interpretation and explanation, needing to know what each other are thinking.
The beauty in holding back in saying something means that when I do say something it can be well thought out.
Additionally, becoming somewhat mysterious and not spilling all knowledge of myself allows for intrigue in conversation.
People don’t know what I will say next.
The artist Andy Warhol often spoke of how it was impossible to get people to do what you wanted by talking to them.
Sometimes people turn against you out of simple perversity.
His response was to say something very vague and ambiguous in interviews rather than talking about his work.
The result was often the words spoken were interpreted as something particularly profound- yet, in Warhol’s eyes, they were completely random.
“I learned you actually have more power when you shut up”- Andy Warhol
So what is the response?
Do we never delve into an extended conversation? Never lead in talks? Never provide jokes?
No- quite the opposite.
From my experience, too much silence can be suspicious as well.
Insecurity can equally be felt with too much of both silence and talking.
The antidote is purposeful articulation.
Being a jester is often needed to break the ice, a hard-hitting question to stir up interaction, a detailed response to show engagement.
But being the initiator isn’t always the way.
“Never start moving your own lips and teeth before the subordinates do. The longer I keep quiet, the sooner others move their lips and teeth. As they move their lips and teeth, I can thereby understand their real intentions. If the sovereign is not mysterious, the ministers will find opportunity to take and take” - Han-fei-tzu
Being able to hold yourself, being able to articulate in different situations, and being able to restrain when needed allow for you to be perceived as a brilliant listener. People won’t be threatened but can bring forward their ideas and you can truly understand and engage in the best way with them.
Be in control, less is more.